I don't know how it happens but I just have to fill my plate. I have PTO, and baby showers, and Bible Study, and sewing and crocheting projects. I just have to fill my plate. I also struggle with filling my physical plate too. I have begun to wonder if they come from the same place. I wonder if it comes from a place of fear. Fear of the spaces. Fear of the silence. Fear of the alone-ness of empty space. Fear of who I really am.
Rewind eleven years and you'd find me sitting alone in my townhouse in the mornings. After my husband would leave for work at an awfully early time of day, I would sit in bed with a book, my Bible, and my journal. I would see him off to work and then I would take the time to be in the word with Jesus. I would just sit in his presence. I would drink in the word and study where he wanted to send me.
I rarely do that anymore.
I rarely sit still for anything but to veg out on the couch and watch TV. I keep telling myself I'm too tired. But that's not the whole story. I am tired, but I also am filling my plate too full.
When I was leaving room to just sit in the silence of being with Jesus I was so much more capable to face the day. That time in my life was when I was the most healthy. I believe that's because I was allowing the Holy Spirit room to be a part of my life. But, now...
Well, now I fill every minute with noise. There's the TV, podcasts, music, and my own voice. And I get frustrated when my kids are too loud. I'm frustrated because I haven't allowed myself any silence during the day. I haven't allowed my mind a break and when the noise is not something I chose (like TV or music) then my irritation levels rise and I begin to come unwound.
The idea of my metaphorical plate being too full aligns perfectly with my physical plate being too full. They are in direct correlation. When I'm not leaving space for the Holy Spirit then there is no way he can help me in my food weakness. There is no way I can lean on him if I've pushed him away and hated him.
The word hate comes from the Greek word MISEO. It means to love something less than you love other things or people. Luke uses it when quoting Jesus in Luke 14:26. Jesus says we are to hate our families. Does he mean to hate them as we think of it in our Western culture? No, he means that we should love our families less than we love Jesus.
So, how have I hated the Holy Spirit? I have loved other things more than I love God. I've loved food and control more than I've loved God. As an integral part of the trinity, the Holy Spirit is wholly God. And when I put things above God I've not only committed idolatry, but I've also hated God. I've put myself and my desires in a higher place in my heart than I have God.
Filling my plate has always been a struggle for me. And I have prayed and prayed for God to take my unhealthy desires away from me. But, when I've prayed and asked for help I have been like the rich young ruler (Matthew 19:16-30). God has said to me give it up. Give up the control to do what you want to do. Give up the mindless noise and listen to the sound of silence. Give up the full plate for the bread of life. And I have so often walked away sad. Sad because I cannot walk away from the food on my own.
Jesus isn't asking us to give it up on our own. He says that we can call on him when we are struggling. He will be our strength when we are weak(1 Cor 12:9). He says to pray that we will not fall into temptation (Luke 22:40).
Your temptation may not be food like mine is. Your struggle might not be with fill your life too full so that you don't have to stop and face the silence. But, we all struggle. We are all tempted. My prayer for us is that we will make room in our lives and hearts for the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will prompt our hearts toward God. He will draw us to be more like Jesus. That's something I think we could all make some room for.
I pray that this has blessed you to be a blessing. I love you so much and I'll talk to you again soon.
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