Just about the time I release the steam on the pressure cooker the dogs start to bark and the baby begins to babble at a ridiculously loud volume. For one small instant the toddler is quiet, probably because her mouth is full of Cheerios. This pot in front of me is the perfect picture of how I feel these days. Things are always building and building. I'm building up pressure constantly. And either I have to release it or I will burst. Noise is my trigger. When there's too much noise I just want to run and hide. Actually that would be a good idea. I should take just a couple minutes locked in the bathroom and reset. But I don't. And a house with two children, two dogs, and a roof under construction certainly lends itself to plenty of noise.
But it's not just the noise. It's the need that comes with the noise. The baby cries because she needs me to change her or feed her or get her to sleep. The oldest one screams because she needs me to help her in the potty, wants me to make her something to eat, needs me to kiss a boo boo. The dogs bark because they need to go out or they need feeding, or they are scared of the thunder. The ring of the hammer cries out the need of the roof to be fixed. So much need and so little of me to fulfill it.
Bedtime is hard in our house. I'm pretty sure that bedtime is hard in every house with little ones. But, once the baby has been bathed, nursed, and put to bed, then it's time for the big girl to get ready for bed. And she doesn't want to go. She cries for her mama. She wants one more story. She is scared of the dark and the monsters. She wants us to sit with her as she falls asleep. It only takes about 10 minutes total once stories are done, but my overtired mind and worn out body and spirit feels like it's an eternity. A few nights ago she said to me, "Mama just sit with me. I'm just scared of the dark." So I sat. I didn't necessarily want to. I wanted to go to bed myself. But I sat. As I watched her close her eyes I was grumbling in my mind about how much they all needed me. I thought how the needing was crushing me. Then like a true biscuit maker that I think my grandma would be proud of, the word needing turned into kneading. And then God laid a picture on my heart of myself being the dough. It came out in the form of poetry. I don't normally write poetry, much less poetry I share with other people, but I was reminded to not let it get buried. So, here's what Lord showed me.
The Needing is Kneading
The needing is kneading me
I am no longer separated
There is no uniqueness to me
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
I feel pressed down
My edges are rubbed out
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
I am dough that leaves no impression
Their prints are left on me
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
I am flattened
I yield to the pressure
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
The best of me is cut out
I have shape again
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
I feel the heat of battle
And I RISE
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
The needing is kneading
I am new.
I can nourish
Roll
Press
Fold
Flip
In the needing I am kneaded
I am pressed on every side
But not crushed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
Right now, life is hard. It's hard for everyone. There are so many things that are demanding our attention and our action. I think that we as women feel this so deep right now. We miss our families, but we want to protect them. We miss our churches, but we want to be safe. We miss our students, but their health has to be a priority. We either miss leaving the house, or wish we could get out of it for just a little while. How do you give attention to all of this? The answer is what it always has been...Jesus.
In this letter Paul is talking to the Corinthians about being in some hard times. These people were facing death on the daily for believing in Jesus. And Paul says, "yeah we are supposed to feel that death. The death of ourselves and our desires and our hopes and our comfort in order to feel the truth of life in Christ."
That's a hard pill to swallow. I like being comfortable. I like getting my own way. I like NOT being pressed, rolled, folded, and flipped. But, just like Christ, we rise. This uncomfortable time and this uncomfortable world are not the end for us. And that is what it means to carry around the death of Jesus in order to reveal his life. It means when things get hard, we don't break but rather we bring hope to others. We don't crumble, we build up ourselves and those around us.
I get it, you're probably saying right now, but HOW?? The word sister friend, the word. When we get into it, the God of heaven and earth will reveal to us what we need for that day. He will provide his measure of love, and joy, and peace, and perseverance. And we so need him.
When we feel the deep need of others on our lives, that's when we need Jesus. We aren't meant to carry the burdens of this life alone. So, when we are being kneaded, need Jesus, and rise up. I love you all and pray that the Lord will bless your heart in the midst of all that pulls on you. Be blessed.
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