Be the light

Ok so my life might be mostly cartoon movies and coloring lately, but that doesn’t mean that God isn’t there.  I think that I have spent too much time lately feeling like I need this special time with God and then the rest of my day will be great.  That’s kind of what the church was teaching when I was coming into my own faith.  You were supposed to get up early, do your quiet time, and go about your day and it would be filled with the love of God at every turn.  The problem with that is a couple things.  I’m struggle with the getting up early for the extra time with God on my own.  Second, is that I’m leaving God out of the potty training and the nap time struggle which is where I need him right most right now.  Those may not seem like big problems to some of you, but to me those are the issues that are vying for my soul.  Those are the places that Satan is trying to weasel his way into my heart and taint my whole day.  

So I was sitting in church and pastor starts to talk about being the light of the world.  He talked about how everything that we do is a way to live on mission.  It was about the great commission and making disciples.  But, my thoughts went to my day and my mission field and how I’m supposed to make disciples.  How am I supposed to be reaching?  Then it hit me, I have to most important mission field that I could ever be given: my child.  But, right now the truth of that is so hard for me.  I sat there listening to him talk and feeling heavier and heavier about how I’m failing at showing her Jesus.  I’m failing at teaching her grace.  I’m failing at being the light in her life.  And right then I had a picture in my head of one of those cartoon movies that she loves to watch.

Right then I pictured The Croods.  It’s such a cute movie.  If you’ve never seen it I highly recommend it.  I’m not going to promise you’ll love it if you don’t have kids, but I have owned it for longer than my daughter has been alive.  So, you can be the judge there.  But, this movie is about a family of cavemen.  The oldest daughter is always trying to get out of the cave to be in the light.  Well, circumstance upon circumstance causes them to lose their cave and go in search of another place to live.  In the process she meets a boy.  There’s always a boy isn’t there?  ;) But, this boy can make fire because he too hates the dark.  In the process of traveling the family encounters new terrain and new animals that they do not understand.   They are about to be attacked by a group of carnivorous birds and all looks lost.  Until…the boy shows up with his fire, and the light scares the birds away.  The danger fled in the presence of the light.  

We have the ability to be the light.  We have to ability to make the danger and the dread and the threat flea.  We can make Satan run scared if we only live in the light.  My issue is that I have been a caveman.  I’ve been hiding from the light because the reality of everything just seems so overwhelming.  I struggle, and have for a large part of my life, with depression and anxiety.  My mind has a way of making me feel like I cannot face the darkness because I just don’t have enough light.  The truth is I don’t.  I can’t accomplish any of this on my own.  But, with Jesus I can have the light I need.  But, I can’t just turn the light on for a half an hour in the morning and then think I can stumble around in the dark for the rest of the day.  It’s a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year life that we have to live.  I have to seek Jesus constantly throughout my day in order to win the potty training battles and dance the naptime dance. 

Now, I don’t want what I’ve just said to seem like I’m saying, “If you have enough Jesus in your life, then you should be happy.”  I personally struggle with that thought often, but I know that it’s more in my life than just reading my Bible enough and praying enough.  I have to have a series of checks and balances in place in order to function well.  I have to have someone to vocalize with.  I have to be able to write or speak about what’s going on in order to process.  I’m absolutely an external processor.  I also need community unrelated to where my struggles are.  When I was teaching, I had to have friends that weren’t teachers.  Now that my job is being a mom, I have to have friends that aren’t moms, or at least aren’t moms of small children.  And, at some points I need more help than any of that will allow and I talk to my doctor about getting medications that can create a balance in my mind.  And I believe that is ok.  Mental health is so important.  I think that might be a whole post for a different day.  But, I was recently reminded that it’s ok to get help, whatever kind of help that is: friends, journaling, talking, counseling, or medication.

But, I have digressed so, back to my original point.  I struggle with living in the dark.  Sometimes I feel like as a mom of a little that I’m not making much of a difference in the world.  I struggle with feeling like I have no mission field and that I can’t be a light in this world because I don’t really see anyone else.  But, The Croods, and the pastor reminded me that the darkness can’t exist even in the smallest light.  And light gets multiplied.  When we put our lights together we don’t take away from one another we just make the light brighter and the darkness less and less.  No matter where we are shinning our lights, it’s important. 

In Matthew 28 the great commission gives us the message from God through Jesus that tells us to go and make disciples for him.  We are supposed to go and share the good news of Jesus that others might follow him.  But, Jesus doesn’t say make disciples in faraway places, it says to make them everywhere out of all people.  That includes our little children at home with us every day.  I had forgotten how important this job really is.  Jesus also doesn’t say, “Ok, now go.  Good luck.  I’ll see you later.”  He says in verse 20,” Surely I am with you always,”

So, he’s there when I’m tired and I just want to snap at everyone to leave me alone.  He will help me to make followers who show grace.  He is there when potty training is hard.  He will help me to make followers who have patience.  He is there when tantrums happen and I feel embarrassed and frustrated.  He will help me make followers who know how to deal with emotions.  We have a savior who understands real life and urges us to lean on him to fulfill our purposes.  We can take comfort in that today when the struggles of this world make us want to run and hide in the dark.