An Angry Heart

When I sat down to write for the blog today I had planned to write on something else.  I was planning to talk about fear.  But, God had a different plan for me and for the blog today.  I was going to write about the fear of the good stuff.  God spoke to my heart.  How can you write about that when you are so deep down angry?  Of course, God was right.  He's always right.  But the problem was, I had no idea what I was so completely angry about.  Then God reminded me of something a sweet friend told me not long ago.  She said, "Anger is a secondary emotion.  What's the primary emotion that's causing the anger?"  What's the real heart of my anger?

I'm not sure if I'm alone out here or not, but my anger just seems to explode inside of me.  Of course, I don't let it out most of the time because that's not what good Christian girls do.  They stuff it all down until there's nowhere left to stuff it and then explode.  So then I started poking at the anger to see if I could figure it out.  That's not always a fun thing to do.  Looking at where we fall short makes us upset sometimes.  So, if we're looking at where we fall short with anger it might be a double-edged sword.

I realized that my anger stems from a lot of stuff.  But there was one thing that kept coming back and back again.  I am angry because of unreasonable expectations.  I make these expectations of people, time, myself, focus, ability, etc.  I just have unmet expectations that are making me angry.  But, the problem is that those expectations are not reasonable to have.

As time is my main frustration and unreasonable expectation that's where I'll rest for this post. I jump from one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to my time expectations.  I either expect to be able to do a million things (only slightly a hyperbole), or I expect that whatever time I have is mine to do with as I want.

Expectation one:  Too much to do, and too little time.

As a stay at home mom, I have much less free time than I anticipated I would have.  There are tons of things to do and they seem to never end.  Add into that, now I feel led into ministry and writing.  How's a girl supposed to get it all done?  Well, I make a plan.  I make a list.  I time my list out.  I have such detail in my list and plan that I now have no time to do the things on this list.  Can I get an AMEN on that?  I know I'm not the only one spending all my time planning what I'm going to do and then not having any time left to do it.

The next day I start with my detailed plan and list and I'm going to get it all done.  Wait a minute, today the car decides it's not going to cooperate.  Now, I'm spending 3 hours in the car shop getting everything fixed and not doing laundry, dishes, and writing which is all I want to do right now.  That's okay I tell myself.  I'll get it all done while my daughter is napping and then I'll write once she goes to bed.

Nap time today lasted 30 minutes.  She decided that she was not a fan of naps, or of playing on her own.  Today Mommy must entertain her.  So, I only finished two items on my ever-growing list of things to do.  And the frustration grows.  My expectations for my time are far too rigid for my stage of life.  I have to be a little more fluid and work in the spaces.

The book of Ephesians gives us some perspective on how to spend our time.  In this letter, Paul is writing from prison to the church in Ephesus.  He tells them in chapter 5 verses 15 through 17,

"So, then, be careful how you live. Do not be unwise but wise, making the best use of your time because the times are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is."

Paul knew firsthand what it meant to make the best use of his time.  Do you think he planned to be in prison?  I mean it probably crossed his mind, but I doubt he said, "So at this point, I'll be in prison and it'll be great."  But, he made the best use of his time and continued to minister to the people around him and to the churches through letters.  God wants me to leave margins in my time.  Proverbs 6:19 says,

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."  

If I plan out every minute, then I have no time to work where He puts me.  I should plan but plan with spaces.  Instead of being frustrated that I have to go to the car shop and only get two things done, I learn to work in the spaces.  I do a few things when there is spare time.  Then when my time is required elsewhere I don't have to be angry that my plan isn't working out.  I can look for the steps God wants me to take in that space.  So, when my plan is going awry I can breathe and ask God for his eyes to see His path.

Expectation 2: I expect that what time I do get is mine alone to decide what to do with.

I expect to make the decisions about what I do...but I'm sure if you asked my husband or mother you'd hear that I am extremely indecisive.  Which is true.  I want people to make the decision I would make if I had the confidence to make my decisions out loud.  That's an unreasonable expectation on the people in my life.  They can't read my mind.  But, I diverge.

When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life I want to just check out to be completely honest.  Some days when nap time rolls around I want to just sit and do nothing.  I feel that I have poured myself out to the point that I'm completely empty and I want to just sit.

This unreasonable expectation comes from the instant gratification society that we have created.  I believe that by taking care of my daughter and the dogs and myself some days that I get to just do nothing for a while.  I feel like I deserve that.  That's a lie from the devil.  This nothingness where I want to rest is not a reward.  It's killing me slowly.  It's leaving me empty spiritually, physically, and mentally.   This "deserved" laziness is creating a lazy heart and a greedy mentality.  And that greedy monster is never full.  So, when my daughter wakes up from her nap, I'm all of a sudden angry because I wasn't done being lazy.  When the dog needs to go out during my "earned" laziness I get angry, because I wasn't finished checking out.

"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27

The devil uses this unreasonable expectation to gain a foothold in my life.  Not only does he lie to me and tell me I deserve to be lazy and I deserve a break, he also escorts me into a vicious cycle of unmet expectations.  Remember my first expectation.  I want to get too many things done in too small an amount of time.  Well, this lie from the devil about "deserved" downtime steals that time.   It allows the devil an entrance to begin to manipulate my life choices.  I get angry about my loss of lazy time and now every little thing sets me off.  I begin to think that no one wants me to have time to do anything but take care of everyone else.  I begin to think I'm not valuable.

John 10:10 tells us that the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  By allowing this unreasonable expectation in my life I'm allowing the devil to steal my time, kill me: mind, body, and soul, and it could all destroy my witness to those around me.  If I'm that angry I can't display God's love and grace to a hurting world.

I know that my time is something I have to start protecting in order to protect my heart.  I have to start creating spaces to allow God to manipulate my life and steps instead of allowing the devil a foothold.  I have to pray for God to change my heart to be more flexible with my time.  I have to be more proactive about my planning to include margins so when responsibilities arise I don't have to react in anger.  Unmet unreasonable expectations are just one area that God has shown me fuels my anger.  For you, it may be something completely different.  

If you are angry and you can't figure out why then you owe it to yourself and the people around you to ask God to open your eyes to root cause.  Examine if you have unreasonable expectations for different parts of your life.  God wants his children to live in peace.  When those times of anger show up, we have to ask God to show us where the anger is coming from.  And we have to ask forgiveness for the anger and pray for His strength to not submit to it any longer.  Finally, we must pray for His peace.