Why am I even here?

Purpose can be a tricky topic.  Who can know their true purpose?  I'm sure when I was a bit younger, I knew 100% what my purpose was.  And, maybe I was right in that moment.  But, times change and so do we, so I would venture to say that our purpose can change as well.  We could have multiple purposes throughout our lives.  I knew from the time I was in the eighth grade that I was going to be and agriculture teacher.  Then a couple of years ago, I could feel God telling me that my time in that place was up.  I said my goodbyes, very difficult goodbyes by the way, and I loaded up my truck with all the tools of teaching that I had acquired over the previous 6 years, and I left.

Then I was lost.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  It was partially exciting.  I felt like I could go anywhere and be anything.  But, then I got scared.  I wasn't sure anymore that I had made the right choice.  Panic filled my heart and doubt crept in.  So, I started grasping at straws and tried to make doors open where there weren't any doors to begin with.  Finally, I found out through some contacts that there was a joint science and agriculture teaching position near where I lived.  I thought, "This must be God showing me where to go.  This must be where he wants me."  While I think that could be true, mostly I think that there were just multiple directions my life could have gone in at that point.  I had choices and there weren't wrong paths for me just different ones.  In my new job I met tons of people that have been so special to me.  I had so many special experiences, and I believe that I made a difference to at least some of my students.  But, through all the changes and different subjects and new responsibilities, one thing remained the same.  I was a teacher.  I knew my purpose.  I was to educate and inspire young people.

Now, fast forward a year and we are on the cusp of adding a little one to our family and the topic of my career becomes front and center in our lives.  Will I go back to work?  If I go back, how long will I stay out?  Who will keep the baby during the day?  After much deliberation we decided that I would stay home with our new daughter and take care of her.  Great!  I'm a stay-at-home mom.  What the heck does that even mean?  What am I supposed to do with my days?  Add those questions to the realization that our child is very needy and sometimes very grumpy and all of a sudden I miss a 7 period day and 30 kids per class.

So, after some soul searching and time with myself...honestly a lot of time with myself because I never see other adults these days except my husband when he gets home after work, I realized that it's not my daughter and her fussiness that makes me miss the chaos of school, but it's the sense of purpose and accomplishment.  As a teacher I knew what I was doing, and I was dog on good at it too.  I could write lesson plans with the best of them, implement the best new strategies, and even build great rapport with my students, but now I'm just lost.  I have rarely tried things in my life that I think I might not succeed at.  But, motherhood.  This new phase of my life I don't feel successful at, I feel like I'm going to cause permanent emotional damage to this child through my incompetence.  I feel like I was not cut out for this task.  I miss my old life sometimes.

Please don't get me wrong.  I love my daughter.  Do I get frustrated sometimes?  Yes, because I can see that she's going to be like me in so many ways.  But, also for the for the 28 years prior to her coming into this world I always had a first day of school.  This year was the first time since I was 13 that I wasn't either pursuing teaching or actually teaching.  School has always been a part of my life.  I even played school during the summer.  So, now I have to square away this structure change.  When everyone posted pictures of the first day of school, I'm not going to lie, I was a little sad.  As a teacher I knew what I was doing and I could see the results of my work within days, weeks, months, or at least one school year.  Now, I'm waiting literally a lifetime to see if what I'm doing is right or not.  And, the scary thing is that if it's not right, I can't just start over with a new batch of kids next year.  Also, if Dottie doesn't behave, I can't just say, "Well, parents need to be working on that at home."  Yeah!  That's me.  I NEED to be working on that.

Now, I'm back to my question from the beginning. Why am I even here?  What am I even good for these days?  Honestly I don't know.  But, what I do know is that God can work all things for the good of those who love Him.  I don't have to know why I'm here or what my purpose is in this season of my life, because God knows.  All I have to do is what He has asked me to do.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

God says that HE knows the plans.  It doesn't say He's going to share them with us.  It doesn't say that they are our plans.  Sometimes we think we are going to be a teacher in a classroom for the rest of our lives, and we end up teaching from the kitchen table or the living room floor (and that's ok).  But, I can find rest for my soul because it does say plans that will be good for me.  It says that they are plans that will give me hope and a future.  These plans are not meant to break my spirit or suck the life out of me.  Jesus came to bring life.

Staying at home isn't what I thought it would be.  I struggle every day because I crave structure.  My mother would probably say that she knew that from the time I was a child.  I always needed rules.  😉 But, staying home is going to teach Dottie and I so much about life and sacrifice and what it truly means to love one another.  So, I'm going to pray that God will help me to say "It is well with my soul." even when I don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing.