Fatherless

My story is one of being fatherless, or so I thought.  I have spent so much time being bitter, and sad and angry and resentful because my father was taken from me when I was only fifteen.  We actually spent my 15^th birthday and my parent’s 25^th wedding anniversary in the hospital.  To be more specific we spent them in ICU.  I can’t even remember if he was awake for either of them.  If my memory serves me correctly, he wasn’t.   It only took four months for the cancer to be discovered and to take his life.  He was a pillar in our community, church, and schools.  It was like everyone had a right to grieve my daddy.  But, he was mine!  I was just becoming a young woman, and I was just getting to know him.  Why would God have taken him from me?

But, I have come to realize that I was not left fatherless.  God brought a most special man into our lives.  God gave us Clayton.  He is now my stepfather and I tell him I love him every time I talk to him.  Clayton never had children of his own, but he was a natural father.  He danced with me in the kitchen before semi-formals and packed up my car for college.  Clayton met the man who would be my husband and said blessings at the table that my father literally built with his own two hands.

I still miss my father every day, and I hate cancer for all the lives it takes and the hurt it causes.  But, God has blessed me with some insight.  First, this world is not all about me.  Yes, I was hurting and had lost someone close to me.  But, because of the wonderful man my father was my loss was not my own.  Second, I may never know why my father’s time was up, but I do know that without his absence a great man may have never realized what a great father he is.  Through our loss God was able to show His love and mercy to more than just me. 

Clayton is a farmer and gives my sister and I dozens of eggs whenever we come to visit, and inside the cartons it never fails to be a sweet note from my sweet stepdad.  One special carton I opened had a note in it thanking me for being his family.  I began to cry.  I quickly sent him this message:

“I opened a carton of eggs this morning that thanked me for being your family.  But, I should thank you for completing our family.  We had a void that you filled.  You came in and loved my mama and helped take care of me.  You were at prom, graduation, college send off, and my wedding.  You stepped in and became another father to me.  For that I can never thank you enough.  I will never forget my daddy, but I would have never been the same me without you.  Love you!”

Life has loss and pain because this is a fallen world that we live in.  I have come to realize that God does not leave any of us fatherless.  He said so in his word.

          Psalm 68:5 “[if reference to God] A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in 

                             his holy dwelling.”

I never have to worry about being fatherless again, because when that day comes that Clayton is called home, God will continue to be my father.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I also came to realize that God does not take being fatherless lightly.  In fact in the book of James, it says that real religion is to look after orphans and widows in their distress.  I believe that this is not just talking about physical orphans, but spiritual ones as well.  There are countless people walking around on this earth that do not know the love of their heavenly father.  They are spiritual orphans.  God has said in His word that if our religion is to be acceptable to Him, then we must look after those people.  We have to be the hands and feet of Christ reaching out to a needy world that does not know what it is like to have God the Father reach out and pull them close and say, “I love you child.”

Clayton was the hands and feet of God to me and my family.  I’m not saying that everyone needs to go out and marry a widow or widower with children, but there are so many other ways that we can reach out and help.  We just have to open our eyes.  For me, I start small.  I ask the cashier at Wal-Mart how she is doing, and say God bless you.  Then the next time I go in I find her line again.  I ask her if there is anything I can pray about for her.  Then I actually pray about those things.  Then I go back again, and ask how those things are going.  Honestly, it’s just about showing the world that I really care.  I know what a difference genuine care can do to build up someone.  Clayton showed that he really cared, not just about my mama, but about me too.

I will be 31 years old on my birthday in just a couple of weeks, and the day has come that Clayton has been a father figure in my life longer than my actual father was.  I do not greet this realization with a sad heart.  Instead, I am greeting that with a knowing heart.  I have been blessed with not just a heavenly father, not just a biological father, but also an amazing stepfather who was the answer to many prayers that I prayed, and many more that I will never know about.  I prayed that my mother would be happy again.  I prayed to God with questions like: why won’t I have anyone to dance with me at my wedding or give me away?  Why won’t there be anyone to give me advice about being an adult?  Why must I be fatherless?  God’s answer to those prayers: Clayton.  I don’t know for sure, but I would imagine that at some point in his past Clayton may have also asked God why.   I had the awesome unique experience of having my mother walk me down the aisle.  Clayton danced with me to “Goodbye Little Darlin’” by Johnny Cash.  Clayton does the little things like tell me I am beautiful.   He tells my husband to take care of me when we leave from visiting them.  He asks my opinion about things.  He makes me feel like I matter.  He is Papa Clayton to my daughter, and the joy on his face when he holds her is priceless.  When he is finally called home someday, he has asked me to speak at his funeral, and I am beyond honored. 

Clayton and I have a special relationship.  He is my father.  No, he did not help to give me life, but he loves me.  He helped raise me.  He helped make me the woman I am today.  Clayton was God’s way of saying to me, “I love you child.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  I could never say for sure that all of this is why God chose to take my father when he did, but I can look for His awesome hand in the tough circumstance that it was.  God’s ways are far above our ways and His thoughts are far beyond our thoughts, so we may never fully understand some things that happen on this earth, but we bring Him glory when we look for how He might be at work in every situation.  We bring Him honor when we look beyond ourselves to how He might use us in someone else’s life.   When life seems difficult I try to remind myself of one thing: God is not saying for you to live a life that you do not enjoy, but rather He is inviting you to learn to enjoy the life He has asked you to live.  He did not ask me to live fatherless, but rather to enjoy being a daughter to more than one father.