It's ok to be depressed

 So I've been struggling lately with a lot of things.  I've had a lot of experiences since our little Dottie came into this world.  I've struggled with most of my experiences since our Dottie came into this world.  But, what I've learned is that it's ok to be depressed and morn what would have, I thought should have, been.  But, it's not ok to stay there.


This face...

She's a big part of my joy, and sometimes a big part of my reasons for doubting myself.


Since January 21st of this year, I have struggled with how things were not what I wanted them to be.  I planned for 9 months to have a natural birth.  I was going to go through all the pain and struggle and bring that little baby into this world.  Well, that didn't happen.  I had tried to prepare myself for that possibility.  After all, my mother and aunt had C-Sections so the possibility was always there.  Ok, fine I didn't push her out of my body, but she came out of my body and that should be enough.

So I tried to mentally move on.  I would just have to be happy with bonding with her over breastfeeding.  It'll be great every couple of hours I'll be the only one that she wanted to be with and I'd nourish her and help her to grow.  Within the first week I had to supplement with formula because she and I just couldn't get the hang of it.  She cried and I cried.  We were both a little frustrated and in much need of help.  A trip to the doctor's office and a visit with the lactation consultant proved to be just the ticket.  We got the hang of it and could actually breastfeed when needed.

Now things are starting to look up.   No, wait, now a week after giving birth I started to feel weird.  At this point I still had a mental block on what I had gone through and didn't believe I had actually "given birth."   But, I couldn't lay flat when sleeping.  I was wheezing when I breathed.  I couldn't walk very far without getting winded.  My feet were like 3 sizes bigger than they were when I went in the hospital to deliver.  Something was wrong, so I went to see the doctor.  I expected to get there and have her tell me I had pneumonia.  She didn't.  My doctor informs me that I may have postpartum cardiomyopathy.  What?!?  I didn't even know that was a possibility.  What does that mean I asked her as I sat in disbelief with tears welling up in my eyes.  She told me that it was basically heart failure due to fluid build up around my heart.  I would have to go to the hospital to be observed overnight.  My heart fell.  I was just getting the hang of things at home, now I have to try and do them at the hospital?  They observed and gave me all kinds of medicines. They finally did I could go home after a day and a half with 6 new medications.

We made it home and started getting into a groove.  And she really got into a groove.  At about 4 weeks old my little girl started eating every hour during the day.  Nothing made her happy and I was starting to lose my mind I thought.  When I fed her each hour I was feeding for anywhere from 30 to 40 minutes.  I was sitting and feeding all day.  Now granted, she was sleeping most of the night.  She maybe woke up once or twice, but the days were extremely long.  I was starting to feel as if the only thing I was good for was feeding her and she was discontent with everything else.  She cried most times I held her.  My husband could get her calmed down, but not me.  My anxiety made her more anxious and vice versa.  We were making each other miserable I think.  I was texting my husband daily with things like:
             "I'm a horrible mother."
             "I wasn't meant to do this.  I'm no good at it."
             "She would be better off with a different mother."
He finally said I needed to go see someone because he was worried about me.  Praise God for him being willing to say that to me. I did need help.  I was miserable.  The doctor said to me Postpartum Depression.  Again, I had worried that would be the case.  I wanted to be better than depression.  I thought that if I was a good enough Christian or mother then it wouldn't happen to me.  I was wrong.  But, I got help, and everything has been working out pretty well since then.  I have been working on my health, trying to lose weight, and going to therapy to get help for the Postpartum depression that followed all of the circumstances above.  It's all working together to help get me better.  But, there are still days that I don't feel very happy or very much like a mother to be honest.

I've told you all of this to tell you that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes.  It's ok to mourn what you thought was going to be.  I was attached to an idea of what I thought was going to happen, and when it didn't I had to say goodbye to that idea and mourn what I lost (or never had as the case may be).

I think as Christians we often feel bad for feeling depressed and that only makes things worse.  It's a wretched cycle.  But, I believe that its ok to be depressed.  God knew we were going to feel awful sometimes.  That's why He gave us verses like

                         "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted,
                           He saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

There are no qualifiers on that.  He didn't say I'll be near to you if you think you deserve it, or if your broken heart is really bad.  And, He definitely didn't say I'll save you if other people think it's a circumstance that warrants being upset about.  He is always there.  That's what I've learned.  He does not pick and choose when to help us out or when to lift us up from brokenness.  He is always there.  But, He doesn't want you or I either one to stay in that broken spirit.  It is hard to be useful there. That's the lesson I have learned this go around.  It's ok to be depressed, just don't start building a house there.
                        "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:"
                          Ecclesiastes 3:1

The verses that follow outline all the things that there are specific season for.  Verse 4 says "a time to  weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"  God knew we would be depressed.  He even goes ahead and tells us there's a season for it.  This was a season for me to be depressed.  But now is a season for me to laugh and dance.  I have cried and mourned what could have been and what I thought should have been.  Now, with humility in my heart, I will laugh at the smile on my daughter's face and dance with her around our living room.