I haven't posted anything in a very long time. To be honest I've too tired or too busy, but I've come to realize that I need to write. This is what helps me process everything that I'm dealing with. So, why have I been so tired and busy? I became a mommy.
So needless to say I haven't been teaching too many lessons lately. However, I have been learning a lot of lessons. Now clearly I'm not going to be handing out advice to new mommies just yet; I'm only seven weeks into this thing after all. But, I did want to share what I've learned and if it helps you, then all the better.
The most important thing I believe I've learned is that this Mommy thing is difficult. Now, I am 30 years old and have babysat and watched as friends of mine started their families so I knew that this was a big, BIG, step. It was one that my husband and I did not enter into lightly. We waited 6 years before we decide to open the door to parenthood. I was so excited at the possibility of becoming pregnant and us becoming parents one day. That was in February and we were announcing our pregnancy in May. I have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had heard that women with my condition sometimes had to wait years. I thought we would have more time. Boy was I wrong. We opened up our plans to God and he showed us His will. I just honestly was taken a bit by surprise at how quickly He worked it all out.
So, after almost 42 weeks of being pregnant we were ready, and I mean ready, to meet our little one. The story of those last two weeks and the 48 hours of labor and the final decisions on how Dottie would get into this world are a different post for a different day. I'm still dealing with that time. But, for now I'm going to move on to when she is now here and I'm a mama.
So like I said, the major lesson I've learned is that being a Mommy is hard. I know that some of you are thinking as you read this, "Of course it's hard. No one ever said it would be easy." That's true they didn't say it would be easy, but they also never honestly said how difficult it would be either. When you are pregnant and there are baby showers and cute little clothes and sweet gifts, there are these love goggles on. All you can see is the wonderful life you'll have when the baby gets here. How much you'll love this little person. When people talk about the rough nights and limited sleep it's always with a smile and a fondness for the time they spent with their own children. And it is almost always followed up with, "but it'll all be so worth it in the end." Or something to that effect. Well at this point I feel like someone took those rose colored glasses, ripped them off of my face and stomped them into dust in our beautifully decorated nursery.
Please hear me when I say that I love, LOVE, my child. But, being responsible for another human being is hard. Teaching, and thinking of those children as my own, and thinking I would do anything for them, did not in any way prepare me for having one of my own. I would do anything to make sure that she sees no harm. I wish I could take all the hurt of this world away. I wish, sometimes for very selfish reasons, that I could make sure she never had to cry again. But in the midst of all of that love and devotion is a heart that is truly tired and frustrated at just how really hard this whole thing is. Then that heart that is tired and hurting begins to feel guilty for thinking how much easier life was before a child entered our lives. Then I start to think of all the ways that I'm a terrible mother and how I'm just not cut out for this. Why would God have me doing this, if I'm this bad at it?
Then I try to breathe. I'm not going to lie, that's hard too when you are in the middle of all of those feelings. I want so badly to just stay in that spot and keep hurting because it's easier there. It always seems easier in the dark when you are there because it's comfortable. No one else can see your mistakes. And, that I believe is the reason that no one truly tells you the truth about how hard it's going to feel, because if we admit how hard it was then we have to admit that we struggled, we made mistakes, we dropped a cell phone on our child while we were trying to take a picture to post to social media about how great motherhood is and then worried for hours that we had done some kind of life long damage. This is why we have to be honest with ourselves so that we can be honest with those around us that are trying to fight the good fight. Titus chapter 2 talks about how older women should mentor younger ones so that we can get it right. There are always people in front of your journey, on the same path, and those who are behind you on the same road. So, if can share the potholes along the way then I can help the people behind me.
So, in the spirit of Proverbs 27:17 (iron sharpens iron) here goes how I feel, so that if you are feeling this way too, you'll know you aren't alone. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm very very irritable. I feel angry a large portion of the time. I'm afraid that I have postpartum depression. I'm going to see a doctor soon to have that situation assessed. I was afraid say that I was depressed because I was afraid it made me a bad mother and a bad Christian. I was afraid that I was supposed to just already know how to do this mommy thing without help (that is not true). I was afraid that if I was trusting in God enough and if my relationship with Him was right then I wouldn't need help. But, that's just not true either. It's ok to get help. It's ok to say you don't now what you're doing. It's even ok to scream and cry and feel like you want to run away. Just don't stay there. Find a way to keep moving forward.
So, I've learned that I'm not alone on this mommy journey. I've learned I can ask for help and that how I'm feeling may not be all rainbows and butterflies, but that's ok too. I've learned that, yes, this mommy thing is difficult. And while I'm sure all the struggles will be worth it in the end, I don't believe that God wants us to wait until the end to enjoy being mothers. God's not saying for us to live a life we don't enjoy, but rather I believe He is asking us to learn to enjoy the life He has allowed us to live. So I'll pray for God's eyes as I change dirty diapers, clean spit-up off of my shoulder, and for His ears as our little girl cries at 4:00 in the morning.
So needless to say I haven't been teaching too many lessons lately. However, I have been learning a lot of lessons. Now clearly I'm not going to be handing out advice to new mommies just yet; I'm only seven weeks into this thing after all. But, I did want to share what I've learned and if it helps you, then all the better.
The most important thing I believe I've learned is that this Mommy thing is difficult. Now, I am 30 years old and have babysat and watched as friends of mine started their families so I knew that this was a big, BIG, step. It was one that my husband and I did not enter into lightly. We waited 6 years before we decide to open the door to parenthood. I was so excited at the possibility of becoming pregnant and us becoming parents one day. That was in February and we were announcing our pregnancy in May. I have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had heard that women with my condition sometimes had to wait years. I thought we would have more time. Boy was I wrong. We opened up our plans to God and he showed us His will. I just honestly was taken a bit by surprise at how quickly He worked it all out.
So, after almost 42 weeks of being pregnant we were ready, and I mean ready, to meet our little one. The story of those last two weeks and the 48 hours of labor and the final decisions on how Dottie would get into this world are a different post for a different day. I'm still dealing with that time. But, for now I'm going to move on to when she is now here and I'm a mama.
So like I said, the major lesson I've learned is that being a Mommy is hard. I know that some of you are thinking as you read this, "Of course it's hard. No one ever said it would be easy." That's true they didn't say it would be easy, but they also never honestly said how difficult it would be either. When you are pregnant and there are baby showers and cute little clothes and sweet gifts, there are these love goggles on. All you can see is the wonderful life you'll have when the baby gets here. How much you'll love this little person. When people talk about the rough nights and limited sleep it's always with a smile and a fondness for the time they spent with their own children. And it is almost always followed up with, "but it'll all be so worth it in the end." Or something to that effect. Well at this point I feel like someone took those rose colored glasses, ripped them off of my face and stomped them into dust in our beautifully decorated nursery.
Please hear me when I say that I love, LOVE, my child. But, being responsible for another human being is hard. Teaching, and thinking of those children as my own, and thinking I would do anything for them, did not in any way prepare me for having one of my own. I would do anything to make sure that she sees no harm. I wish I could take all the hurt of this world away. I wish, sometimes for very selfish reasons, that I could make sure she never had to cry again. But in the midst of all of that love and devotion is a heart that is truly tired and frustrated at just how really hard this whole thing is. Then that heart that is tired and hurting begins to feel guilty for thinking how much easier life was before a child entered our lives. Then I start to think of all the ways that I'm a terrible mother and how I'm just not cut out for this. Why would God have me doing this, if I'm this bad at it?
Then I try to breathe. I'm not going to lie, that's hard too when you are in the middle of all of those feelings. I want so badly to just stay in that spot and keep hurting because it's easier there. It always seems easier in the dark when you are there because it's comfortable. No one else can see your mistakes. And, that I believe is the reason that no one truly tells you the truth about how hard it's going to feel, because if we admit how hard it was then we have to admit that we struggled, we made mistakes, we dropped a cell phone on our child while we were trying to take a picture to post to social media about how great motherhood is and then worried for hours that we had done some kind of life long damage. This is why we have to be honest with ourselves so that we can be honest with those around us that are trying to fight the good fight. Titus chapter 2 talks about how older women should mentor younger ones so that we can get it right. There are always people in front of your journey, on the same path, and those who are behind you on the same road. So, if can share the potholes along the way then I can help the people behind me.
So, in the spirit of Proverbs 27:17 (iron sharpens iron) here goes how I feel, so that if you are feeling this way too, you'll know you aren't alone. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm very very irritable. I feel angry a large portion of the time. I'm afraid that I have postpartum depression. I'm going to see a doctor soon to have that situation assessed. I was afraid say that I was depressed because I was afraid it made me a bad mother and a bad Christian. I was afraid that I was supposed to just already know how to do this mommy thing without help (that is not true). I was afraid that if I was trusting in God enough and if my relationship with Him was right then I wouldn't need help. But, that's just not true either. It's ok to get help. It's ok to say you don't now what you're doing. It's even ok to scream and cry and feel like you want to run away. Just don't stay there. Find a way to keep moving forward.
So, I've learned that I'm not alone on this mommy journey. I've learned I can ask for help and that how I'm feeling may not be all rainbows and butterflies, but that's ok too. I've learned that, yes, this mommy thing is difficult. And while I'm sure all the struggles will be worth it in the end, I don't believe that God wants us to wait until the end to enjoy being mothers. God's not saying for us to live a life we don't enjoy, but rather I believe He is asking us to learn to enjoy the life He has allowed us to live. So I'll pray for God's eyes as I change dirty diapers, clean spit-up off of my shoulder, and for His ears as our little girl cries at 4:00 in the morning.
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